New Opportunities for Britney Spears

Well the latest news out of Hollywood is that Britney Spears just lost of custody of her two kiddos because of her obsessive drug and alcohol abuse. I know this sounds crazy to you but that the lovable little starlet from the late 90’s that sing “Oops, I Did It Again,” is actually quite the wild child. And we all thought that she would be the one that would avoid the corruption of way too much money and fame.
But now we must face the hard reality that the girl we all wanted our daughters to be like and our sons to marry turned out kind of sour. It’s tough to swallow but we must move forward, we must find a future for this troubled former teeny bop.
So let’s take a look at her credentials. The first thing is that she can dance or at least move her body is some sort of weird way making her a prime candidate to be either a Lakers Girl or Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. She’ll adapt quite perfectly to all the routines and the business of performances. She can pom-pom and all that crazy stuff and fit right in. Just think of the potential ratings. Watch Tony Romo or Kobe Bryant tear it up during the game and watch Spears dance around aimlessly while trying to avoid a wardrobe malfunction during the breaks. It will be television gold.
Of course, her singing abilities (or abilities to get her voiced manipulated by computers) will allow her to be the perfect candidate as Major League Baseball’s official National Anthem singer. That’s going to be six straight months and all seven games of the World Series of the Star Spangled Banner being sung three octaves off key. Her performance combined with 60,000 drunk fans singing “take me out to the ball game” during the seven-inning stretch will be sure to impress even the most stubborn Grammy voters.
And when she isn’t busy shaking her thing and busting out the old windpipes in games, she can take a role in several movies since she technically has five movie credits on her résumé. She would be excellent in filling Susan Sarandon’s shoes in a remake of Bull Durham or maybe one of the crazy girls in Any Given Sunday that are always with the players and coaches; she wouldn’t even have to act. Of course, if she wanted to star in an original production than why not a movie about Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. Spears could play Harding who thinks that clubbing someone in the knee is just part of the dance routine and Christina Aguilera can play Kerrigan to add some real life spiciness to the movie. And when the cat fight turns real then we can turn it into a reality series and they can make guest appearances on HBO’s Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.
Alright Britney, we now have figured out several opportunities for you to take on since you don’t have to worry about being a mommy anymore. But if none of them work out for you and you decide to keep boozing, speeding and all that other crazy stuff you do, don’t panic. Marvin Lewis has already prepared a roster spot for you at the Cincinnati Bengals.