Poker-Palooza

Well, this past week, I decided to try my hand in a poker tournament (pun intended). Thankfully, for this columnist, it was free tournament since victory was not achieved.
I must admit that I did feel slightly guilty since my Southern Baptist background prohibits me from gambling, but again, it was a free tournament. I also learned some valuable lessons about poker players. They all have their little quirks including wearing sunglasses, listening to mp3 players, not wanting to change their seat, or letting you look at their cards. Because god-forbid you show me your cards after winning a big pot. It's already bad enough you bluffed me with 10-6 off suit but then you throw your unturned cards to the dealer because it makes you look so cool that you can beat me and without even having to flip 'em.
Anyway, on to the action where the first hand turned out not to be not so good after I matched the blind with 5-2 off suit without even looking because I was listening to the guy next to me tell me about his girl problems. 1st memo to self: look at your cards before you bet.
But I bounced back with the next hand by taking a nice pot with a flush. I then took another pot two hands later with a straight giving myself a good chance to survive past the first hour. My chances then received another boost after two people had gone out. First goal met: not being the first one out. My chances might have also been helped out if could of remember what chips were worth what. Blues are $25 and reds are $100? Or was it the other way around? I finally just gave up and started saying "I'd like to re-raise two whites and a black." I never found out how much the green chips were worth, apparently I never had that much.
I then took the chance to observe others at the table after the dealer seemingly dealt me 15 straight unplayable hands. It's really funny listening to people making noises after every card is flipped. "I need a king on the river. Aaarggghhhh!!!!" or "Haaaa, a three of diamonds, hehehehe!!!!" As if talking to the cards will make them what you want them to be.
Finally, after about 45 minutes, people began to fall-out. One guy replaying that he doesn't play well without a beer. 2nd memo to self: having a portable keg might make a nice profit. But, eventually, I did make the final table where I soon found out with the blind being raised and my low chip stack it was only a matter of time before I was going to go out. Unfortunately for me, that moment came within about three minutes.
With stack of only about two reds and four whites and an ace in the hole I was forced to say that phrase: "All In." And get this, I won. I had doubled my stack and ensured that I would survive for at least a few more minutes. Which is what I did, I survived a few more minutes just trying to stay alive and while folding worthless hands. One time I hated my cards so much I replied "All Out" causing people to look at me like the village idiot. 3rd memo to self: learn the lingo. But with the blinds raised again and the big blind around to me again, it cost me half my stack just to see my cards. With another ace in the hole I again went "All In" hoping to pair my ace on the board. It never came. I was finished and forced to get up from the table and make that walk of shame to the door as the leader begin to make a replica of the Taj Mahal with my chips.
I eventually found out that I tied for 5th out of 19 total competitors. Not too bad for a sports writer who was more concerned with coming up with story ideas than actually playing poker. Final memo to self: Actually knowing what is going on seems to be the key to success.